Don't Trust Ariana Grande with Your Keys

Late last summer one of the sci-fi blogs I regularly read posted a link to a new music video for the song Break Free. They said that it followed in a long tradition of music videos where the video has absolutely nothing to do with the song (how wrong they are!). But it is sci-fi in the tradition of cheesy old movies like Barbarella and Flash Gordon.

Colors while it burns your face off!

While I'd never heard of Ariana Grande (not to be confused with a "Grande Ariana," which is a 16oz. white chocolate and cherry flavored latte with two shots of espresso and a distinct lack of talent that I just made up), I do like Zedd. For a DJ not named Tiesto or van Buuren, he's not half bad. Also, he kinda looks like my cousin Josh, and who doesn't dream of a having a family member become an electronic music superstar? Just me? Okay, moving on...

The video opens with Ariana exiting her spaceship onto a hostile alien world and inexplicably breaking the key (or is that a hint as to the real title of the song, "Break Keys"?). This would be like parking your car in a bad part of Flint (read: any part of Flint) and throwing your keys into the nearest crack house. I guess she's making a point about not turning back? Except we don't know that it's a key until the end of the video.

This is what paparazzi actually look like

Oh, no! Ugly evil aliens have captured pretty aliens and put them in cages. And only our singing space princess can save them... or something. After shooting all of the ugly aliens, Ariana helps the caged people Break Free and they gleefully run off, presumably to her spaceship with no keys. Whoops.

Zero-G, the sequel to Gravity

The video is, of course, interspersed with clips of Ariana doing her best Jane Fonda impression that doesn't involve supporting the North Vietnamese. If you don't know what any of that means, don't worry about it right now. On a side note, my grandmother's antique shower curtain has mermaids that bear a striking resemblance to late 1960's Jane Fonda, and that's just cool.

With all the pretty aliens Breaked Free, it's up to Ariana to defeat a giant robot with a flip of her hair and um, well... You can see for yourself.

I guess they aren't real

Unfortunately, it doesn't work, and the robot captures Ariana and flies her off to an evil racial stereotype.

"I shall blind you with the light reflected from my shiny head! AH-HAHAHAHA!"

Even though she's chained to rocks, Ariana is able to Break Free and push the evil racial stereotype into the pit of lava that evil racial stereotypes tend to keep around. But first, she steals the key to his spaceship. Apparently, spaceships are like John Deere tractors, in that they all use the same key. Then my cousin Josh (sorry, Zedd) beams her up to the bridge of the spaceship, just in time for an awesome dance party!

Where she kisses a frightened looking, six-armed baby elephant creature

She gives him the new key, and they merrily blast off into hyperspace (the only kind of space you can blast into while listening to sugary dance music).

To be honest, Ariana can't really sing... or dance. Computers can fix the singing issue, but the dancing is a little more difficult to hide.

Nailed it! Pilates solve everything.

If you want to know more about all of the sci-fi movies referenced in this video, MTV did a nifty little breakdown. All I know for sure is, if I ever go out with Ariana Grande for Grande Arianas, I'll be holding onto the keys.

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